Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Quick update - finding balance and joy

So here's what happening in our life these days:

- Jared's birthday today (Happy Birthday Love, I am the luckiest ever)

- 36 weeks pregnant (and so ready to be done)

- Two campaign style dressers from Craigslist in the garage to be painted before Emerson arrives

- Brody spelling his name and counting to ten, melts my heart

- Discovering an extreme love for my new food processor

- Perpetually trying to be present and find balance

The last one is partially why I have been so absent on the blog as of late. I came to a point a couple of months ago where everything I felt obligated to do became a massive pile of dread, an endless checklist. I felt absolutely exhausted all the time. Cranky. Behind, behind, behind. It wasn't fun for anyone.

Lucky for me I'm married to the person who knows me best in this world, he knows how I think, how I stress, and how I can be my own worst enemy most of the time. He helped me to step back and take the pressure off of myself and for that I am so so grateful. There are so many things I love to do, that bring me joy by doing them. But trying to do ALL of those things ALL the time actually defeats the purpose. What I didn't realize is that even if I don't do something that I love as much as I want to (like blog) it doesn't go away, it will wait for me. So thanks for waiting.

I've learned to let go of the choke hold I thought I had to keep on finding joy, and let it come. And what's amazing is that it does. Not 100% of the time, or even 50% of the time (hello dishes, laundry, chasing a 2yr old tornado of stickiness). But it comes, and now that I'm not checklist-ing it to death I can actually recognize it and soak it up and save it.

Yesterday I laid Brody down in his big boy bed, he was already conked out for his nap. His room was clean (amazing and rare), the light was perfect coming through the drapes, and he was asleep and perfect with his little bo-bo bunny under his arm. My first thought - grab my camera, you'll forget this, he'll grow up so fast, his room will never be this clean again. I didn't get my camera. I laid down next to him and twirled his wispy blonde curls in my fingers. I kissed his forehead and smelled his hair. I breathed him in. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I woke up 2 hours later to him tapping my face "Mommy? Mommy! Hi mommy." So there aren't any pictures of his sweet curls or perfect light or clean room from yesterday but yesterday was just what I needed. Finding a balance between wanting document/create/learn/share and needing to feel/grow/give/love is tricky for me. And I know it's all about to change again when Emerson arrives. But I know that releasing yourself from the constant pressure is the first step. And that everything can, and will, wait. What shouldn't wait is your joy, your family's happiness, your memories. And searching for those moments in the chaos of normal life.

Phew, me and my hormones will shut up now. :)


Miranda-Jayne said...

Wow...this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! I've felt so unbalanced since starting this whole housewife/mom business. I'm sure I'll be referring back to this. ;)

megan said...

I think it can be especially hard for mom photographers like us. We feel this desire to capture the beautiful moments which often makes us miss living them. I must remind myself that even though I may forget what it looked like in my mind, that the joy it's adding to my heart will never fade.

I hope the Lord is taking pictures for us. :)

Holly said...

Love this! :) Thanks for the beautiful post. I could totally picture your perfect moment in my mind with out the pictures. :) I'm so glad you could live in the moment.

Sierra and Ryan said...

I have a feeling I will need to come back and read this in a few month's when I have our little one here. You always say it so honestly but it sounds lovely coming out :-) I hope you are feeling well and I can't wait for our little niece to get here. I miss you guys!

Sharstin said...

yes, thank you--you are amazing and yes it is so true--It is a struggle---being pulled so many different directions. But it IS all about balance, priority, and joy~
I know i am always trying hard to just be present and enjoy those small little moments that go by so fast..
love you!

Lori said...

Thank you for putting so beautifully into words what it has taken me 50 plus years to understand. You have so many gifts and talents and putting into words what everyone else is feeling and struggling to understand is one of them. This post gave me a sticky lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I am grateful everyday that you are Jared's beautiful wife and Brody and Emerson's amazing Mom! Love You!

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